Try as you might you can’t escape the truth or change it. The truth stays the same, no amount of smoke and mirrors makes the slightest difference.
Once upon a time when I was young and dinosaurs roamed the earth there was a man. There always seems to be a man, doesn’t there? Well, there we were and everything was fine and looking like forever but then he accepted a job out of state and soon after things began to go wrong. I don’t know exactly what happened but he became something very wrong. Then the phone calls started. And the threats. He never once raised a hand to me or even threatened to, he threatened himself. If I didn’t do what he wanted, say what he wanted, something bad would happen to him.
I was young and didn’t have any idea how to handle this and it went on for months. My body started to fail under the stress, I underwent any number of physical exams and tests to try to find out what was happening to me. Then I met Gloria, herself a survivor of abuse. She knew looking at me what was wrong. She asked, I explained and then she said, “If you stay in this you will die. You have to choose and soon.”
So I thought about it on the way home and realized there really wasn’t a choice, I was only responsible for myself. Then I waited and when the next call came and he started talking about maybe crashing his car I asked him why he was telling me this. I told him that only he had the ability to save himself or not and not to call back if this was all that was left of our relationship. He called again in a few days and when the manipulation started I stopped him and told him it was all on him, not my problem any more. I received no more calls.
It took years for my body to recover and still it reacts to stress somewhat like it did. Lucky me. Yes, lucky me because I came out of all that with a highly developed bullshit detector. Oh, sometimes it takes me awhile but sooner or later a tone or a phrase or even just a certain word in a certain place in a conversation and I know, I know.
You can’t hide what you are Eve, you can’t manipulate me. You are what you claim to hate most-an abuser, a manipulator. For you, the truth must be an annoying inconvenience. Doesn’t matter what you say, it matters how you say it, it matters how you act. You can nip a little here, add a little there, delete this, claim that. It doesn’t make any difference, the truth is. It stubbornly resists editing. Eventually, usually at a most awkward moment, it makes an appearance in all its unedited glory. Every petty lie and bad action exposed to public scrutiny.
And so here you are, today’s little tempest in a teapot, trying so hard to claim what your think of as your well-deserved 10 minutes of fame. The thing is, tomorrow there will be someone else, someone new who’s outrageous behavior will eclipse yours, then where will you be? I have friends and acquaintances who support me and wish me well but you have only those people who attach themselves to the next storm, the next source of fleeting notoriety, they feed on your hysteria, encourage you to act out, and move on to the next person who screams louder than you. You are their entertainment, you are the person they are using.
You can’t make me something I’m not. You can’t remake the truth. I am not your victim, I will never be your victim, I am not threatening you.
The truth shall make you free…
I am a free woman.